HUCK FINN COMMENTS: Obama got his butt kicked in Texas, Rhode Island and Ohio, but managed to come back for a win in Wyoming, where all of three people voted in the caucus, plus a buffalo.
If you read PutinToon 66: CSI: Obama (TOP 10 Reasons Why Obama Lost), you know I'm an independent, non-biased thinker. One reader commented that Obama lost because the Republicans in Texas voted for Hillary. This is Obama
dreaming. Obama lost because Hillary threw everything at him in the last three days. If you want all the reasons Obama lost, go back and read the article.
I favor neither Democrats or Republicans. (Once again, I'm still undecided on who I'll vote for.) In all these 70 PutinToon cartoons and articles, I poked fun at Bush and ALL the candidates - but mostly Hillary and Obama. I recently said Hillary should go on Saturday Night Live (SNL) and she did. This time, I'm giving Obama some tips to kick Hillary's butt in Pennsylvania.
TEN WAYS FOR OBAMA TO KICK HILLARY'S ASS NEXT TIME
1. Don't get down and dirty with Hillary. Your entire campaign is based on not
being that kind of politician. I am not saying you shouldn't fight
back. Stay with what has worked for you so far (you're ahead, remember)
and imitate the greatest boxer of all time, Mohammad Ali.
Ali
was a great counter-puncher. He danced like a butterfly and stung like
a bee. Don't let Hillary invite you into a close brawl. She's like Mike
Tyson. Don't lose your cool and get in her game. She'll clean you out.
She did it in Texas and Ohio.
2. Oprah has to step up to the plate. Sorry, my friend. Michelle, your wife trying to be the next Jackie Onassis, has screwed you up. I hope she's proud of America by now, but you're outmatched and outgunned against the Clinton Political Machine: Hill, Billy and Chelsea.
'Queen of Media' Oprah needs to call NBC and tell them to stop the crap on SNL, otherwise she'll produce a show to compete against SNL. And I bet she'll get higher ratings. The Obama-bashing on the show was hilarious, but the rest of the show was lame. Hell, I could write some skits better than the current writers.
3. Be specific. Continue your great oratory speeches, but for heavens sake, give the people more specifics. Give the voters some numbers. Hillary promised to create 5,000,000 jobs, so you should offer to create 5,000,001 jobs.
4. Focus on older voters. You're winning the white urban, young and black vote. You need to win the older vote. I know you're not old enough, but damn it, fake it, join the AARP.
5. REJECT YOUR PASTOR. Please do not denounce him, reject him.
6. Dude, you gotta be a little FUNNY. Hillary is beating you in the comedy department. You need to start showing up on the comedy circuit: David Letterman, Jay Leno, John Stewart, Craig Ferguson, and last and not least: Saturday Night Live. Offer to do a skit for them. I'll even write it for you. Obviously, you will have to pay me, but I'll give the money away to stop SEX SLAVERY in America.
7. Get your game on, brother. The quickest way to more votes is to go out there and play some basketball.
8. Dance with Oprah. I can't imagine Bill dancing better than you. Go on Dance with the Stars. Make sure you don't end up dancing with Emmitt Smith.
9. Learn to say F-U-T-B-O-L.
Come on, you can do it. If you want to win the Latino vote, show up at
the LA Galaxy game to watch futebol. Make sure you DO NOT use the word
'soccer.' That's the kiss of death. Try to learn to juggle the ball a
few times, as well.
10. Get a RED CELL PHONE. While you're delivering one of your famous, incredibly motivating oratory speeches, have Oprah call you. Stop your speech. Pull out your red cell phone. All you've got to say is "Oprah, I'm ready on day one."
An even better scenario: Imagine giving one of your famous speeches. You say something like "I have a dream." (Please don't plagiarize Martin Luther King, you'll get caught). As you say to the crowd, "Yes, we can," the phone rings. Vladimir Putin, still president of Russia until May, is on the line. You tell him, "Yes, I can meet you in Russia to discuss the beginning of a new era."
Mr. Obama, I've been more than fair. If you will listen to this advice, you can make it to the White House, because Republicans are still too busy being warmongers.
One last thing: DO NOT get on the same level as Hillary. You'll lose that game. Stay above it all and focus on the people. The people do want CHANGE. (Note: This is not an endorsement for Mr. Barrack Obama. I'm still undecided.)
What would Putin do if he were Obama? Rise above? That is the question.
Huck Finn, Chairman, The Amerikan Party
"Smart-Ass Politics for Smart People.” TM
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