HUCK FINN COMMENTS: Bill Clinton, one of the greatest pick up artists of all time, warned that if Hillary doesn't win in Texas and Ohio, the campaign is over. At the time, Hillary had a lead in Texas and Ohio but that lead was slipping.
Hillary needs a miracle, and the only miracle is if Obama slips up.
That miracle almost happened when Obama's wife, Michelle, said, "For the first time in my life, I'm proud of America." This huge mistake was quickly rectified and damage control was
implemented.
Hillary is so desperate she's attacking Obama again. (Please read PutinToon 31: Hillary, Obama Love Fest). First it was about Obama misquoting her in a pamphlet. I knew she was in trouble when the photo of Obama wearing traditional Muslim attire with turbin was shown on every 'unbiased' cable channel like CNN and FOX News.
Poor Hill continues to receive bad advice from her advisers. She hasn't found her voice in this campaign. Crying won't work this time, because she's positioned herself as the experienced politician over the weeks since the New Hampshire crying performance (Please read PutinToon 8: And the Oscar goes to...)
Hillary needs to hire Mystery, The Pick Up Artist, from the VH1 reality show.
Mystery can teach her how to pick up undecided votes in Texas and Ohio. The clock is ticking and Hill's losing voters in Texas and Ohio by the second.
Here's the advice I believe Mystery would give Hillary:
Mystery Pick Up Advice #1: Stop acting like a bitch. (Voters don't like to vote for a bitch no matter what your advisers and/or polls indicate. I know the bitch attitude got you into the Senate, but you're trying to run for president here. It won't work.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #2: Be yourself. (Stop trying to be all things to all people, and stop changing your slogan every two weeks. This maybe be hard for you to do now, but you must try.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #3: Stop attacking Obama. (This hasn't worked. The more you attack him, the more votes you lose.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #4: Show a tiny amount of cleavage. (Show the voters you're a real woman. On second thought, maybe not.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #5: Show confidence. (Don't look like a deer caught in the headlights.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #6: Promise to divorce Bill if you get to the White House. (America loves a good drama. This will get you votes. Look at Britney Spears and her drama.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #7: Choose Britney Spears as your VP running mate. (If you can't get votes after this announcement, pack it up and go home.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #8: If Britney isn't available, choose Al Gore as the VP. (But before you do, make sure Al Gore knows you're divorcing Bill. I'm sure he was tired of being second Vice President to you while Bill was in the White House. Most likely Al Gore won't agree to run as VP, but promise to help him be Master of the Green Universe in U.S. if he makes no statements until after Texas and Ohio Vote.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #9: Kiss Britney and Madonna during one of your campaign speeches. (This will make you instantly hip with the young audience and the gay population. This will give you a few more votes.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #10: Stage a dress failure. If you keep sliding down the polls before the Texas and Ohio vote, then you must stage a dress failure, like Janet Jackson during the Super Bowl, where one of your boobs falls out accidentally. (This will create more media than Obama is getting right now. It's a great way to have the Obama-based media finally give you air play before the primaries.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #11: Stage a "date" with George Clooney or David Beckham. Matthew Mcconaughey would be an even better choice because he's from Texas. (Make sure it's an intimate dinner with candles, wine and dinner. Invite the paparazzi. Have your campaign cronies put out pictures of the date all over the Internet. This should give you some votes.)
Mystery Pick Up Advice #12: Throw a Hanna Montana concert. (Use the concert to get tweens to have their parents vote for you. What parent wants to have their 12-year-old harass them constantly for not voting for you after you put a free concert. )
Mystery Pick Up Advice #13: Promote It's the Recession, Stupid T-shirts and other merchandise. (Refer voters to www.itstherecessionstupid.com
and tell them you've been endorsed by the aliens, Zork and Meera. This
should give a large amount of votes from UFO conspiracy theorists.)
Whew....
it's hard work, being a pick up artist. I wonder if Mystery will offer
me a job on his staff after reading this. I need some cash to pay of my
recession bills.
If you some great pick up advice for Hillary, please send in your comments.
What kind of advice would Putin give Hillary as she gets her ass kicked by Obama?
Da, that is the question.
Huck Finn, Chairman, The Amerikan Party
"Smart-Ass Politics for Smart People.” TM
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