HUCK FINN COMMENTS: How does George W. Bush save his legacy with so little time left? Talk about pressure. It’s worse than Tom Brady playing in the Super Bowl for the perfect season.
If I had a dollar every time someone told me Bush is the worst president in the history of America, I'd never have to work again. The year 2008 is the year of “Saving George W. Bush Legacy.” He’s got 338 days left but who’s counting?
Sports is about statistics. One reason I can't stand baseball is
that there are stats for everything. I wouldn't be surprised if they had stats for the likelihood a baseball player will take steroids next year.
The NFL has become a major stat game like Baseball. Look at the NFL Quarterback rating system for example. The ratings take the fun out the game, but don't tell that to Eli Manning. I'm sure he had fun beating Tom Brady, who had a higher rating.
If we do the number crunching so prevalent in the NFL, we'd come up with the following Presidential Rating for our current, beloved president:
George W. Bush's Presidential Rating is... oops, you'll have to read the rest of the blog first.
How do we come up with a Presidential Rating Number? Well, we tried to keep it simple. Each day in the office gives George a positive or negative point. Let’s do the math:
1. January 20th, 2000 – First day as president. You can’t screw up much on the first day; we’ll give him a point. (+1)
2. September 11, 2001 – An incredibly tragic day for America, we give George W. Bush a point for not running to the beach and burying his head in the sand. (+1)
3. October 7, 2001 to summer 2002 – War in Afghanistan. Despite taking so long to attack Afghanistan, Bush should get some points. Based on my calculus, we’ll give him 86 points for doing some good stuff and screwing up on the rest of the days. (+86)
4. March 20, 2003 to Present – War in Iraq. The screw-ups are too numerous to mention. We'd need a book of at least 400+ pages but I’ll name a few:
a. May 1, 2003
– George Bush stages a dramatic visit to the aircraft carrier USS
Abraham Lincoln and makes a well-known speech. Mission accomplished.
(Negative points for the entire time up to this date.)
b. July 2, 2003 – President Bush declares American troops will remain in Iraq in spite of the attacks, challenging the insurgents by saying, "My answer is, bring 'em on," a widely criticized line for which Bush later expressed misgivings. (-30 Points)
c. December 13, 2003 – Saddam Hussein is captured. Okay, I’ll give Bush a point for getting this done. You can’t say I’m not fair. (+1)
d. April 28, 2004 – Abu Ghraib prisoner party. The world
sees graphic pictures showing American military personnel taunting and
abusing Iraqi prisoners. (-100 Points)
e. December 6, 2006 – The Iraq Study Group Report is
released by the bipartisan Iraq Study Group led by former secretary of
state James Baker and former Democratic congressman Lee Hamilton. The
report concludes "the situation in Iraq is grave and deteriorating" and
"U.S. forces seem to be caught in a mission that has no foreseeable
end." The report gave 79 recommendations including increasing
diplomatic measures with Iran and Syria and intensifying efforts to
train Iraqi troops. (-10 Points)
f. December 18, 2006 – A Pentagon report finds that attacks on Americans and Iraqis were averaging about 960 a week, the highest since the reports had begun in 2005. (-37 points)
g. December 30, 2006 – Saddam Hussein is hanged after
being found guilty of crimes against humanity by an Iraqi court (backed
by the American military), after a year-long trial. I don’t know if the
hanging helped the Iraqi people or made it worse. They could have just
jailed him. (-10 points)
h. September 17, 2007 – The Iraqi government announces it is revoking the license of the American security firm Backwater USA, due to the firm's involvement in the deaths of eight civilians, including a woman and an infant following a firefight when a car bomb exploded near a State Department motorcade. Investigations of arms smuggling involving the firm are also under way. (-25 points)
i. January 2008 – Early January, the Maliki government
begins consideration of a new law to politically rehabilitate former
Baath Party members.
Okay, we’re back to square one, except the Saddam Hussein. How do you rehab former Baath Party members? Do you put them in the same rehab center as Britney Spears?
5. November 2005 – ABC News reports that former CIA agents say the CIA engaged in waterboarding, along with five other "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques", against suspected members of al Qaeda. I wonder if KGB, I mean FSB ever used waterboarding? (-100 points)
6. July 20, 2007 – Bush signs an executive order banning torture during interrogation of terror suspects.While the guidelines for interrogation do not specifically ban waterboarding, the executive order refers to torture as defined by 18 USC 2340, which includes "the threat of imminent death," as well as the U.S. Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment. The CIA is satisfied with the order, but Human Rights Watch says it leaves definitions of specific techniques too open for interpretation. (-88 points)
7. November 5, 2007 – The CIA tells WSJ
that it has only used waterboarding against three terrorist detainees
and not since 2003. Well, since they only used it against three people,
we'll just give it -3 points.
8. February 5, 2008 – George Bush puts out a $3.1 trillion budget, and seeks $515B for military spending, causing USA TODAY to name the article, "For the Next President: $400B deficit." Amazing how out of touch the Bush administration continues to be to the American taxpayer. (-1000 points)
To keep things simple, we included only major dates to give you a feel for the Presidential Rating System. Rigorous calculus math was used to make sure President Bush’s efforts were calculated on monthly, daily, hourly, minute, and finally second basis. That’s the power of calculus mathematics.
What the calculus didn’t include is the multiple variable effects of the screw-ups and what that means to the future of the U.S. Because of numerous fiascoes and shenanigans, we’ve had to go beyond calculus and use partial differential equations.
It will take us approximately 1,345 years, running IBM mainframes to conclude the additional effects of the Bush screw ups. In the mean time, we’ll have to settle for the simple calculus results.
In summary, I hope I've proven my point for President Bush's current Presidential Rating of -3606 points.
Bush’s gotta a long way to go if he’s going to hit positive. What if he doesn’t make his legacy positive? The bookies in Las Vegas most likely have high odds against him leaving with a positive legacy. This leads to another key question:
What is George W. Bush going to do after he’s booted out of the White House in January with such a low Presidential Rating?
Here are some quick career opportunities and comments:
1. Start a Bush T-Shirt Company:
a. Sell a T-shirt that says, I’m sorry, I skrewed up.
b. Sell a T-shirt that says, I kicked Saddam’s Booty
c. Sell a T-shirt that says, I apologize, I’m a Didiot!
d. Sell a T-shirt that says, Number 13 is luckier than Number 43.
e. Sell a T-shirt that says, Where is New Orleans?
2. Start Bush Security Company
Huck Finn Notes: The security company would offer to protect the Iraqi Politicians.
3. Start a Bush Blog
Huck Finn Notes: I doubt it will generate advertising revenues but it could drive the sales of T-shirts.
4. Start a Presidential Legacy Rehab Center
Huck Finn Notes: Great entrepreneurs come with great ideas out of
their personal experiences. Of all the ideas here, I think Bush would
excel in starting a presidential legacy rehab center because he's
facing the biggest obstacle in the history of America: rehabbing his
legacy. Clinton might join him as well after looking like an ass
attacking Obama.
What will Bush do? Da, that is the question. It would be good to launch a contest "What will Bush Do?"
Huck Finn, Chairman, The Amerikan Party
"Smart-Ass Politics for Smart People.” TM
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