HUCK FINN COMMENTS: Great news, America. The film Minority Report, which starred our beloved Scientology leader, Tom Cruise, is becoming a reality in America. The Bush administration is pushing hard to pass a bill that will enable Congress to continue to wiretap Americans in the name of national security, terrorism and the Middle East war.
All this wire tapping for what? At the end of the day, it's about protecting our oil supplies in the Middle East. WMDs were supposedly the reason we entered Iraq (they also have the third largest source of oil resources).
The reason we were bombed by terrorists is simple: it is a fight of religious ideals. Muslims against the rest of the world. Ironically, most of the terrorists come from Saudi Arabia, our
key strategic oil supplier. No matter what America does in the Middle East, the Muslim countries will always see us as enemies. Prove me otherwise, and I'll move to Mars.
If we're going to be a warmonger nation, we're not thinking smart. We could have saved a substantial amount of money on the Iraq War by looking down south instead of the Middle East.
I, Huck Finn, of sound mind and body, would like to offer a cheaper solution for the Bush administration, and any other warmonger who makes it to the White House. Follow my logic in this letter to the president of Unites States of America.
Dear President Bush, our great Commander-in-Chief,
My HUGE apologies for taking your time with this letter. I'm a simple guy, an average American, trying to dodge the bullets of the recession and offer some suggestions for you, sir, in regards to improving your legacy.
I ask myself a simple question: If America is going to be a warmonger nation, how can we reduce our costs, gain control of more oil, and not piss off as many people in the world as we did by entering Iran, oops... I mean Iraq. I have stayed up nights thinking about this during your dancing travels in Africa.
One long night, after much despair, I came up with a brilliant solution. I realize you must continue to feed the military machine, but how do you do it more effectively? The solution, sir, is not to fabricate another WMD situation with Iran. American people are not stupid enough to buy the same story twice.
My dear President, we need to think outside of the box. The genius idea I came up with is quite simple: Look south of the border, amigo.
No, sir, I do not mean Mexico. My solution to the continuous warmongering is to shift our efforts and concoct a WMD situation against Venezuela's President Chavez. If you think this is absurd and insane, believe me, sir, I am quite coherent in my thinking.
I am not as educated as you and all your
PhD advisers. My idea has been inspired by "The Secret." After doing
some simple math, I realized if we are going to spend $1 trillion on
the war in Iraq and Afghanistan by 2009, we could shift a couple
hundred billion dollars to invade Venezuela, all in the name of
humanity.
We need to make sure that we, the American people, protect the assets of one of the most beloved corporations in America, EXXON, because Chavez took over its assets in Venezuela. While we're at it, sir, let's take CITGO since it is owned by PDVSA (Venezuela National Oil Company) and it's difficult for me to get my $3 dollar per gallon gas there, fully knowing that the money will be going to a president who had the balls and audacity to call my beloved president, that's you sir, a 'devil', at the UN meeting.
President Bush, we have every right to attack Venezuela because Chavez called you a devil. Although I didn't vote for you, sir, nor the majority of the American people (except the 500 in Florida), I do not appreciate Mr. Chavez calling my President a devil.
Nobody, I mean nobody, calls my president a DEVIL.
This incident warrants our invasion into Venezuela. Venezuelans don't like Chavez anyway, especially the ones who work for living. The rest of South America doesn't like him, especially, Colombia since Chavez agreed to back the rebels in Colombia.
Venezuela has the fourth largest oil reserves in the world. Instead of wasting American taxpayer dollars fighting on the other side of the globe, we could literally surf our troops down to Venezuela. I hear it is a beautiful country, and they have beautiful women. If necessary, we could have Bill Clinton run our future territory as governor until it becomes our 51st state. This will enable you to appease the Democrats as well.
Sir, if we were in Venezuela, we could be closer to Brazil and hopefully get some sugar cane-based ethanol that would not be as expensive as the corn-based ethanol.
Best of all, Venezuela doesn't have "religious-fanatic terrorists like the Middle East. And South American people are much more laid back than Middle Easterners.
It is a win-win scenario. We help the Venezuelans help us to help them.
From a military warmongering standpoint, Venezuela and Iraq can be compared as follows:
a. ) Iraq: Population 26 million, 169,234 square miles.
b.) Venezuela: Population 28 million, 353,841 square miles.
It makes logical and military sense that we
invade Venezuela for the rest of the warmongering campaign. Both
countries are close in terms of population but Venezuela has three
times the land. Another cool thing is that America would own part of
the Amazon. And while we are at it, we can save the Amazon too.
Chavez doesn't have many friends. Mr. President, you have more friends than he does.
His
friend, mentor and hero, Fidel Castro, resigned. His only remaining
friend is Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I don't know of too
many people that are friends with Mahmoud either.
OPEC tolerates Chavez and they're grateful
to him for helping to drive the price of oil with his stupid-ass
comments over the past few years. But OPEC also knows that demand
for oil is so high that at this point, they don't need Chavez.
My
beloved president, as you fine tune your $3.1 trillion federal
budget and continue to fund the Middle East wars to the tune of $12
billion per month for the next three hundred years (that number doesn't
include the inflation adjustments in the future), and increase
the military budget to $515 billion (not counting the
Middle East wars), I beg you to increase it another $100 billion for
the invasion of Venezuela. Since the American people are already $9
trillion in debt, what's another $100 billion?
As you ponder my brilliant idea, please don't let Saudi Arabia
influence your decision, and don't forget Chavez
called you a DEVIL!
I promise, sir, if I ever see Chavez in a dark alley, to punch him in the nose for you.
I beg you to pull our troops out of
Iraq and the Middle East to invade Venezuela. What I ask in return is
simple. Please take the difference between the cost of fighting in Iraq versus
Venezuela, and
spend and invest it on the following ten things:
1. Rebuild New
Orleans. We
can't have a third world country in our own back yard.
I have never been to New Orleans, and some day I would like to visit.
I'm guessing you haven't been to New Orleans either, so, maybe we can
go together one day.
2. Take care of the elderly by reducing the cost of health care.
3.
Take care of our hero soldiers when they come back from
war, since I am not brave enough to fight our wars, just like your
daughters.
4. Stop foreclosures on our American families' homes.
5. Put some money into alternative technologies, because I'm tired of having my dollars go to Saudi Arabia to build their cities.
6.
Feed and take care of the homeless. 'Teach them to fish' instead looking for handouts. I don't think they should get a free ride but we have to do
something to help our own, sir.
7. Stop sex slavery in American. Yes, in America.
8. Let's fly again to the moon. Science is the foundation of any great country.
9. Educate hard working immigrants (illegal or not) to
learn English so that they don't decide to become their own country
like Kosovo in 30 years. Let them stay as long as
they are not criminals and are willing to be integrated into the great
American culture.
10. Ban all harassment of movie
stars or stars in general from the sleazy, terrorist-like paparazzi
that have driven Britney loony tunes. I don't care what anyone thinks. I still think Britney is cool.
My beloved President, I
love America and this idea is my gift to you to save your
legacy and not become the worst president of all times, not just in
America, but perhaps, the rest of the world.
Yours truly,
Huck Finn
I love America!
What would Putin do in our current situation? If he was in the White House, would he continue to fight in the Middle East or would he invade Venezuela to satisfy the American military machine? Or would he try to kiss and make up with Chavez and Venezuela. Does Chavez like Putin? Would Chavez think Putin is a devil or angel if he was our president?
Da, that is the question(s).
Huck Finn, Chairman, The Amerikan Party
"Smart-Ass Politics for Smart People.” TM
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